Ta-Da!

 I had a dream last night where I was convinced that I had murdered at least 3 people - one guy called 'Jason' with a butterfly knife (I've only ever known one Jason, and that was years back, and he seemed awright) - another with a handgun of some sort (at first a desert eagle but it might've changed) - and the 3rd one I can't remember what i did. I left 'Jason' in a pond so that he'd decompose, I didn't think about his skeleton or the body floating back up (weren't issues in the dream) - and with all 3 I have no idea what i did with the weapon - but it disapeared. I don't remember anything else about any of the deeds themselves other than that it was somehow connected to when I was young and in swimming class - they suggested that it was time for me to move onto an older group of swimming class. I have no idea what the motive for any of them were.

In the dream I told my parents and they were bothered by it, but still treated me in a straightforward +decent manner because I was their son. Later in the dream I realised that the two that weren't 'Jason' were dreams - but I was still convinced that I had murdered jason, and although I was bothered by my status as murderer, and possibly damned to hell, I figured that it wouldn't change my objective in life, I have nothing to lost by trying to make something good come out of it despite circumstances, and regardless of my own fate, or of the overall life. I told them I was dangerous, but no more so now than before, because I made the decision to do it before I was a "murderer" - and besides I knew in the past I had impulses to kill+suicide anyway - which I resisted in all but this case. I didn't blame myself for feeling these impulses because i don't think we can help entirely what we feel - but my restraint in the real world is good I think - the feelings have passed now - but I realised I might as well be a murderer in real life because I lacked the restraint in the dream, when it seemed real anyway - when you think it's real is it any different to doing it in life? - the consequences might be different, but importantly the intentions are the same

Just before I woke up I realised that 'Jason' was also a dream. I think I had this dream because:
- I had thought about murder after playing the game Farenheit a couple of days back
- I was uncomfortable with the idea of thinking of myself as a murderer, and hadn't thought what I would do with my life afterwards if it was true - here I dealt with that
- I don't know if I was a real murderer in a past life, i could be, but I wouldn't hold anyone ransom to their past
- It showed that when you believe something to be true, it might as well be real as far as your intention goes, even in dream
- I wouldn't stay convinced I was a murderer after I woke up - i'd realise that i'd never even touched any of those weapons